a tear just rolled down my cheek as im sitting here in front of the working desk.
i have become everything that i never wanted to become.
i have dreaded this day ever since the day i slaved myself.
i tried every possible way, giving myself every sane reason for my behavior.
But in the end, all of that does not seem to matter as this very moment, this crucial single second, I am feeling empty.
as tunes of nostalgia fills the room, the present and the past swirls in circles hypnotizing the mind.
I have been lucky to be loved.
and now,

All i want is to regain my ability to TRULY love.

M Y  H E A R T  I S  A N  E M P T Y  H O L E ...

there's one scene in one episode of Tree Hill where Keith had a conversation with Deb which goes something like this..

"what happened to the days where things were less complicated?"
"we fell in love, and the person we love just doesn't love us back"

everyone wants someone to love, in fact we're in a lifelong search for love we sometimes forget what we're searching for. Many times we search for answers, to the many questions which are lingering in our minds, but little do we realise the answers truly lies in our hearts.
There have been so much going on around me, i didn't quite realise that with each passing day, life just slips through my hands. It took some germs to bring my feet back on the grounds, i lie there motionless, and mourn on everything in my life which had sidetracked.

"everything is so fucked up recently, with you, with me, and her"
"you are fine, she seems fine too, it's only me who;s so fucked up", says she.
"I'm not fine, i put on a joker face and everyone thinks i'm fine, but i'm not fine, if i;m fine i wouldn;t have felt this way"

all these years i know i keep it all in to myself, i hate to gain sympathy, the look on their faces which says, " shes so fucked up", because i know it will be fine, broken pieces will mend, loneliness will fade away, i believe time heals, tears will dry up, that burning sensation in my heart will go away, the sun will rise, and everything will be alright , just as long as the morning comes, the silver lining will surface again.

and of course, my antibodies will handle the germs in my body, like always *grins*

"Just let it grow ,let it grow inside of you ,let it grow ,let it flow inside of you ,let it grow let it grow ,let it grow ,She said that its easy for men ,and i said that we all feel the rain ,then she said ,move a little closer then ,who says that broken pieces don't mend " - Kubb "Grow"

I don't know if it's the dysfunctional physiology or my delusional mind, that i feel so out of weather today. It could be the flu, the sore throat, the fever, but i have no idea why my heart is aching so much.My only indulgence are the strings of downloaded series of One Tree Hill, there's poetries in it, and the soundtracks, oh my god, there's Starsailor, and can you believe it !Travis's "reoffender" was in it too, and then of course Gavin degraw, 'i dont wanna be...anything other than what ive been lately...' sigh...
sometimes like today and yesterday, when it feels really sucks to be sick, and lonely, and sick, and lonely, I can only cage myself in within these four walls, watching life pass me by..literally, and it feels...it feels..more lonely.
I really miss you, i felt helpless knowing that there's nothing i could do to help you, but can only make it worse. I wanna hold you and you holding me, telling me that it's ok to be myself, that everything is fine, and you know that it's only you who know what's going on in my jaded mind, and accept me for who i am.
Nyes, but i'm really sick of saying goodbye again and again and again, really, i miss you like hell.

"been thinking about you,so how can you sleep? these people aren't your friends ,they're paid to kiss your feet ,they don't know what i know ,and why should you care when i'm not there?" - Radiohead "Thinking about you" 

OMG!! I COULD NOT CONTAIN MY HAPPINESS!!!!!
I WANNA SHOUT!!
I WANNA JUMP IN JOY!!
MY HEART IS ON FIREWORKS AGAIN!!

p/s: was written last night but failed to post because of the unreliability of the internet.

I wanna be alone, i do. Leave everything behind and be A L O N E.

Wave Goodbye and take off to a faraway land.

From Pollution, from contamination, from lies,from the entangling WEB.

I want to break FREE.

I want to live life, without guilt.

I want to love, to give, engagingly.

I want freedom, I want to feel PASSION.

A G A I N.

it's hard..yea it's really hard...sometimes i wish i could just once again hide myself from everything else. But lucky this time, i know i just couldn't run and hide, i chose to accomodate instead of hiding, it's pretty easy actually, all it takes is just a bit of cowardness, and a dose of insanity, and the consequences you ask? the risk of losing my identity. I HAVE TRANSFORMED into someone who chooses money instead of passion. Working my ass off, draining my energy, absorbing shite talk almost everyday. But it's only short term, it has to God damn be!

"I'll let u think things over, and when you;re sure, you let me know" says she.

considering many many consequences, including the risk of losing passion, of turning into a complete robotic freak. The question remains, but this time,the question is; is there a choice?;

"Are you afraid of change?"
"depends if it's good or bad, i guess"
"but you wouldn't know unless u take the turn"
I guess, but i will be scared of change nonetheless, but if it's bad i will be more afraid"
"So how, if it's bad you take a u-turn izzit?"
"depends on the extent of the damage la!"

The truth is, i am afraid of the unknown, curious at the same time, I'm like a walking proof of contradiction. The faceless, the unnamed, the normality irks the hell out of me too, but my threshold of toleration has increased dramatically, thanks to the years of living in the rubbish bin. There is no shortcuts in life, and at the same time, we can never know what's at the end of the line unles you stay long enough and endure quite a bit of harshness.Until then, let them turn you unside down, rip your ego off, mock the hell out of you, shame your dignity, but when the time comes, let's see who's smilling; like they say, what doesn't kill you makes u stronger eh..

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth, is tearing up inside of me,every day, every hour,wish that I was bulletproof...-Radiohead "Bulletproof" (the bends)

Once in a while, we doubt the intentions of people around us, especially those who once upon a time shared your laughters and tears, but time changes people, and people accomodates themselves to grow with the environment. Just the thought of it, burns my heart, who is the fool,those who 'smarten' up, or those who hang on to the past? It is beyond reasonable doubt,that no wonder more and more people are turning into a cynic, now and then. Not very long time ago, i never hessitate to help the blind to cross the road, give up my seat to the elderly, offer a shoulder to cry on to whoever who needs it, thinking that was the only thing a sane person would do. But now? we keep thinking, 'ah, someone else will help that blind person,' ' what would people think, when you have sympathy towards people?would they feel i'm all fake and nothing more?' or ' he can;t be that sad, tomorrow he will laugh it off anyways'.It's all these complacency which makes the world an evil place to be in, and crushes every hopes and dreams.

" do you remember when was the last time, the fire in you burns like never before?"
" yea, everytime i recall, i smile to myself", says she
"not too long ago, when i keep on painting, when humanity seems so abundant, when life seems to have no worries at all " says me
"some times reality likes to cheat people into believing and them hit us hard on the face"
"mine was when the last time i fell in love with him, when i was so in love and nothing else seems to matter" says she
"love is a many wonderful thing innit?" says me
"and those times when we're so naive, the smiles on our face were so pure and innocent"
"sometimes it breaks my heart when some people become disillusioned by the root to all evil, especially people who once meant something to us"
"maybe one day, she will look down on me, when i have no penny and dime in my pocket, but i don't care, at least im richer in many sense, at least i'm true to people i care about"
"It isn;t that bad, i believe she still appreciates us"
"this is just so you, you keep believe the good in all people, sometimes i wish i can be more like you"
"perhaps i will give her the benefit of the doubt, for the sake of all those years, perhaps"....

I hope i am right, i hope.....

"little by little, wheels of your life has slowly fallen off, little by little you have to give it all with all your life and all the time i just ask myself why you're really here, why am i really here?" - Oasis "little by little" (Heathen Chemistry)